Keep on pushing through

Trying to maintain a positive attitude is not easy, nor is it completely possible all the time. For me, lately, the pain from my injury is what often sends me in a tailspin.

As a child I knew my grandmother had had a horrid accident in her childhood. At 14 she fell off a horse and broke her back.  She spent a year in Mayo Clinic. And while they ultimately “fixed” her, we all knew grandma had a funny back. The reality I learned as an adult is that my grandma lives with daily pain.

I remember talking to her when I was in my 30s about how I was amazed at what she did with her back, and asked her how she viewed it. She expressed that she had daily pain. I asked her what she did for it, to which she explained she took aspirin when it got bad. This was astounding to me, what must it be like to just push through pain.

I know I am not my grandma and that the pain I have is hopefully not lifelong, but I now can understand what it is like to have daily pain. There is a point where it becomes a part of the noise of life. Yes, I could take pain pills, or anti-inflammatory medications. And I admit to taking those, because unlike my grandma,  I am not sure a “simple” aspirin works for this kind of pain. But the daily taking of these worries me about long term body effects. And so I do chose pain. This means that when the pain exceeds the noise level it can be a 0-60 reaction; everything is okay to practical tears at times.

Thise tears are the fear of having this for the rest of my life. Those tears are the questions of why me. Those tears are the emotions that are connected to the entire event that are still held inside of me. 

I mentioned in my last post that we sometimes forget about the mental trauma that goes with physical trauma. I am still amazed at how most of my day seems fine and I feel I am coming so far, only to have a small movement in the wrong direction toss me back to negative emotions.

I have said, and someone else said to me, “This too shall pass.” I know this deep down that I’m getting through this it becomes part of my past, my personal story to tell. But the getting through it can be so hard. 

I appreciate the people who ask me how I am doing. My responses are always about my physical state. We have those close friends and family we tell about our pain break downs, but the people who ask because it seems the sociable thing to do don’t want to hear about my mental trauma and anguish. But maybe those people who do know it is there, those of us who have experienced this or have read and listened to other’s experience, need to make a point to ask about the mental piece. And if you ask and the person breaks into tears, get them a Kleenex, touch them on the arm, let them know you are there and listening. Choose words wisely, pick ones that support, ones that allow for a safe space. Be cautious with words we may have heard, like it’s okay, or telling them they are okay, hearing that doesn’t make it true, but rather it makes it seem that you weren’t just listening to how not okay they are.

Listen to the story.